Yo dont text me then not text me
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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