he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
