You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
