I'm so fucking centered right now
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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