Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
