Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
