Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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