My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
