Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
