I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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