I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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