I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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