Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
