i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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