i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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