i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.�
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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