Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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