Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
