Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Randomize
