there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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