shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
