I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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