theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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