I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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