The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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