I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
