How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
