Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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