I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
