Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
