I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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