if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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