Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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