My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
