I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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