I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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