and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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