Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
