If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
