omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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