i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
