I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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