dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
