I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
