I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
