Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
