At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
