What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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