Just fell off a train. Bad.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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