i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
